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| Well, I'm about to leave for work, but I just thought I would let you know that today is a beautiful day. So is tomorrow, and the next day, and every other day that you are alive. I'm so grateful for today. If I do nothing else but to cultivate that response to the great gift that this unique day is, if I learn to respond as if it were the first day in my life, and the very last day, then I will have spent this day very well.
I begin by opening my eyes and being surprised that I have eyes to open. Eyes that constantly see the beautiful array of colors that are constantly offered to me, for no other reason but pure enjoyment. I look at the sky. I so rarely look at the sky, and realize how different it is from moment to moment, with clouds constantly moving... I just think about the weather. But even when I think about weather, I don't think about all the many nuances of weather. I just think about good weather and bad weather. This day right now has unique weather. A kind that will never exactly in that form come again. Open your eyes. Look at that.
Today I'm going to look at the faces of people I meet. Each one has an incredible story behind their face. A story that I could never fully fathom. Not only their own story, but the story of their ancestors... we all go back so far... and in this present moment on this day, all the people I meet, all that life, flows together and meets me here.
Today I want to enjoy the incredible gifts that civilization gives to me... I flip a switch and there is light, I turn a faucet and there is warm water and cold water, and drinkable water. It's a gift that millions and millions of people in the world will never experience. And these are just a few of an enormous number of gifts in my life. I want to let them flow through me. If I look at life this way everyday, that would be really something. I want everyone who I meet to be happier. Just because of my presence. I want to let gratefulness flow into happiness all around me.
Today will be a good day. | | |
| I've been so discontent lately... I mean it's like this heavy thing sitting in the bottom of my stomach, and I've been trying to avoid it, but it's just getting worse. I've had this weird obsession all of my life where I need everyone to like me all of the time. OK, I know everyone wants to be liked... but this is different. It's so much more then that. It's something that has been controlling all of my actions... as if it were pushing buttons on a remote control. I've been feeling it in the back of my head for a long, long time. And I really need to get past it now becauseee nobody's perfect and there are always going to be people who don't like me and blah, blah, blah, yes I know. I've heard it all before. And I tell myself all the time. But it just doesn't seem to be working. And lately it's been getting worse. I've been more paranoid than usual, making sure I'm doing and saying all the right things so that everybody will like me. But actually, this isn't anything new. I've been doing this stuff forever, so it seems. And it's getting really, really old. And it makes me feel so horrible, because this is not who I want to be. I want to be someone who doesn't give a shit about what other people think. I want to be someone who knows exactly who she is, and is who she is all the time despite everything else. I want to be a completely free spirit. God, I am in love with that idea. I'm trying, I really am. I want to be this free spirit. One who is selfless. One who is kind. And above all, one who is completely and incandescently happy with herself and how she is living her life. But instead, I am so utterly discontent. I feel like half of my friends aren't really my friends. Because it's like I can feel them judging me and I KNOW they are talking about me behind my back, gossiping to one another. And I don't know why. I have no idea if these people really ARE judging me or gossiping about me... it's just a haunting feeling I've been getting lately. And then there's the group that just sees me as Dan's girlfriend. I'm not really their friend, you know... just their friend's girlfriend. And I feel like all of my closest friends that I can really trust are the same ones they were in high school. And for some reason that bothers me. Because I hardly get to see them anymore. And it makes me very, very sad. I need to change something, I really do. I'm open to suggestions. Aaaaand I just read my post from November, and it makes me laugh. I thought I was finally over all of this garbage. Isn't that the way those things work? You think you've changed for the better, but the minute you lose sight of things, it all washes away. OAasdfk;lj98SfghDF!
Oh, and another thing. I know I think about death all the time, but I mean it's such a huge concept! And after all these years it still fascinates me. I've heard of 4 deaths within the past year, 2 within the past week, all from my high school district. All of them younger than I am now. And it just makes me feel so... well, I guess it just makes me feel. And I don't really know what to feel, or what it is that I do feel, but I know it's profound and it's gripping, and it's just so much. I mean of course the first instinct is to feel horrible about the tragic stories and think about how awful the family must be feeling... but when I get passed the initial shock, it's such a strange thing that takes over me. I don't know if it's right or wrong, but I've always believed in fate. That all things happen for a reason. And I can't justify it, I can't defend it, I just... I've always believed in it as a concept and it's grown on me to the point where I just believe it and know it. And that's it. And it's comforting. And I depend on that thought to get me through most days. Yupp, you should maybe try it sometime if you want. I like it. But anyway, the point is... what if these things all did happen for a reason? I can't say what, but there's no knowing what could have happened if these events did not take place... and perhaps it could have been a much more painful path. I don't know. But I do know. And that's the strangeness of it all. And I just watched Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium and it was spectacular. And I want to live like Mr. Magorium. And I want to look at death the way that he does. And I just... I hope and I'm going to keep hoping. I suppose that's just it.
And I apologize for the poor writing. More like rambling, really. Very depressing rambling. Kudos if you read it all. Anyway I hope all of your lives are going beautifully and that you are happy. If not, try to be. I think I'll go do that right now. :) | | |
| There are no guarentees in life except for this:
I will die.
To be honest:
I hope there is an after life,
but I doubt it.
I want to live with no expectations.
Religion is a beautiful thing,
but I think the after life section
was just made
to help ease
the fall.
This is my theory.
I think that when we die,
we go into a sort of sleep
without dreaming.
Black. Blank. Nothingness.
That is something I cannot truly fathom,
and I doubt that you can either.
But that is my theory. For this confession what would you label me?
An atheist?
An agnostic?
I believe in every religion.
I've done my research and
I believe in the things they teach.
I strive to forgive,
to love,
to hope,
to practice what I preach.
Sometimes I even pray,
if not just to hear my confessions out loud.
But I just simply can't bring myself to believe in heaven,
unless it is to say that heaven is here on earth. But the beauty of it is that I don't know anything.
And neither do you. This very well could be my last xanga entry,
the last thing of substance that the world will ever hear from me.
What a thought.
That everything I've ever known would be
gone in an instant. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= "There's no point to any of this. It's all just a... a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know... a quarter-pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment where your laughter become a cackle... and I, I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt." - Troy Dyer | | |
| Not everyone will like me.
And I'm finally okay with that,
because I have all of you.
God, I am so in love with the people in my life.
My family, my friends... no matter what happens, they will always be there for me.
And I am so grateful for that.
As cliche as this sounds, this is the first time in my life when I can truly say:
I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT THE REST OF YOU THINK.
My whole life has been so disgustingly driven by such shallow thoughts.
"She thinks I'm superficial. He thinks I'm a spoiled brat. She doesn't like my friends."
But I don't care anymore.
I know that my family and friends love me, and I love them too.
And that's all that matters.
To everyone else: I honestly don't care anymore.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I dont
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I wont
Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul | | |
| Often times when staring out into space, those around me will ask me if I am okay, or inquire as to what I am thinking about. I usually try and avoid the truth and discourage being asked again by answering with something like "Oh, no, I'm fine! My eyes are just droopy so I look sad," which is true... But most of the time, I'm thinking about my brilliant theory. More on this later.
My birthday was amazing by the way. I'm 19.
Next year I'll be twenty.
20. God. That's a whole other post. When my teens get the bow tied on them...
I just don't know how much better they could be for anyone.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The universe is shaped exactly like the Earth,
if you go straight long enough you'll end up where you were. | | |
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